Letting go of the word “should” to free you from self-judgment

We all have that voice inside our heads that tells us what we “should” do, “should” be, or “should” have already accomplished. It’s a familiar phrase, right? Maybe it sounds like:

“I should be further along in my career.”
“I should exercise more.”
“I should be more confident.”
“I should have figured this out by now.”

We don’t often realise it, but every time we use the word “should,” we’re sending ourselves a message. A message that implies we are not okay as we are—that we need to change, fix, or improve something about ourselves to be worthy of acceptance, success, or happiness. But here’s the thing: living in a world of shoulds is exhausting, and it’s taking a toll on our mental and emotional well-being.

In this article, I want to help you explore why “should” has such a toxic impact on us and how doing a “should detox” can set you free from the constant cycle of self-criticism and judgment.

The toxic power of should

The word “should” may seem harmless at first, but its impact is subtle yet profound. When we tell ourselves we “should” do something, we’re actually placing ourselves under a layer of judgment and unrealistic expectation. The word “should” is tied to a belief that something about us is not enough or not right in its current form.

Think about it for a moment. How often do you find yourself thinking:

“I should be more organized, like she is.”
“I should work harder to prove myself.”
“I should have everything figured out by now.”

The moment we say “should,” we are implying that we’re lacking in some way, that we are not meeting some external standard or expectation. This constant self-criticism chips away at our sense of self-worth, leaving us feeling inadequate. It reinforces the belief that we are not good enough as we are—that we must strive to change or be something different in order to be worthy.

The should vs. self-acceptance

The root of this problem lies in the difference between self-improvement and self-acceptance. We often think that in order to be better, we need to criticize ourselves or constantly strive for perfection. The “shoulds” are the voice of judgment that makes us feel as though we are inherently flawed.

But here’s the truth: You are already enough.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue growth, development, or positive change, but it means that growth should come from a place of self-acceptance and compassion, not self-criticism. Instead of saying, “I should be better,” consider replacing that thought with, “I am good enough right now, and I am open to growth.” This shift in mindset allows you to grow with yourself, not in spite of yourself.

Why shoulds are unhelpful

So, why are “shoulds” so toxic? Let’s break it down:

They Create Guilt and Shame: The word “should” often makes us feel guilty when we don’t meet an external expectation. It becomes a standard that we can never fully live up to, no matter how hard we try. This leads to feelings of shame, as if we are doing something wrong just by being ourselves.
They Impose External Standards: “Shoulds” often come from society, family, or cultural pressures. These standards don’t always align with our personal values or desires, making them feel like a burden. When we live according to someone else’s “shoulds,” we lose touch with what truly matters to us.
They Are Unrelenting: “Should” creates an unending to-do list that can never be fully completed. It keeps us in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction, always feeling like we’re falling short.
They Undermine Our Confidence: Constantly telling ourselves we “should” be something we’re not leads to a lack of confidence. If we constantly feel we aren’t enough, we begin to believe that we can’t trust ourselves or our abilities.

The should detox: how to free yourself from the judgment cycle

To begin your “Should Detox,” the first step is awareness. Pay attention to how often you use the word “should” and notice the impact it has on your thoughts, emotions, and energy. Every time you catch yourself thinking or saying “should,” stop and ask yourself: “Is this thought helping me, or is it reinforcing self-judgment?”

Here are some practical steps to detox from the “shoulds” and embrace self-compassion instead:

Reframe “Should” to “Choose”: Instead of saying, “I should be more organized,” try saying, “I choose to be more organized because it helps me feel more in control.” This shifts the focus from guilt to conscious choice.
Replace Judgment with Curiosity: Instead of criticizing yourself with “I should be doing better,” replace it with “What do I need to understand or learn in order to improve?” This allows you to approach challenges with curiosity rather than criticism.
Give Yourself Permission to Be Imperfect: Remember, you are human. Perfection is not a requirement. You don’t have to do everything “perfectly” to be worthy. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and know that growth comes from experience, not flawless execution.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. When you feel yourself slipping into “shoulds,” ask yourself: “What would I say to a friend who is struggling with the same thing?” Then, apply that gentle approach to yourself.
Create Space for Authentic Goals: Instead of focusing on “shoulds” imposed by others, take time to explore what you truly want. What are your values? What drives you? Set goals based on your true desires, not what you think you “should” do.
Celebrate Your Progress: It’s easy to overlook how far you’ve come when you’re too focused on what you “should” do next. Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. Acknowledge your growth and give yourself credit for it.

An experiment: swap should with want or could

Here’s an experiment for you: The next time you find yourself saying, “I should do this,” try swapping the word “should” with “want” or “could.”

For example:

“I should exercise more” becomes “I want to exercise more because it helps me feel better.”
“I should be more organized” becomes “I could be more organized if I want to create more space in my life.”

Pay attention to how your thoughts and feelings change. Notice how the shift from “should” to “want” or “could” feels in your body. Does the pressure lift? Does it feel more empowering or freeing? You may find that when you replace “should” with “want” or “could,” it becomes easier to make choices that align with your true desires, rather than out of guilt or obligation.

Stop should-ing on yourself!

The more we say “should,” the more we distance ourselves from acceptance, peace, and personal power. The constant self-judgment that comes with “should” keeps us trapped in a cycle of feeling not good enough, and that’s not where growth and true fulfillment come from.

When you embark on your “Should Detox,” you make space for self-acceptance, self-compassion, and ultimately, personal transformation. You’ll find that when you let go of the “shoulds,” you start living in alignment with who you truly are and what you really want.

If you’re ready to break free from the cycle of judgment and self-criticism, I’m here to help. As your Life Navigation Coach, I can guide you through the process of discovering your authentic self, setting goals that feel good to you, and fostering a deeper sense of acceptance and confidence.